Running with Blinders

New chapters and new experiences often warrant anxiety and doubt. The many experiences I've had in life, good or bad can sometime play with my perception. Past and present philosophers believe the mind can be controlled. So true, but they don't always mention the discipline it takes.

Weight loss, a new love, new job promotion, most experience start with butterflies, also known as anxiety. This phase is built on personal inventory of perceptions of what optimum should and shouldn't be. 

I've recently started a new relationship with a great guy. It started slow with months of chat and harmless flirting. It was a friendship in the beginning, there was no rush to meet. As time went on, we started to play with the thought of meeting, in other terms hook up. That never happened.

Weeks and months pass and one day by chance of being in a large city circumstance, we decide to connect. We hit it off, have a fantastic date and then, cease and desist, all communication stopped. Moving forward we reconnect and have been inseparable since.

Then early one morning, self doubt knocked on my door. Does he really like me? Will he leave me? Will he truly love me as I am? Or my 'favorite', am I sexy enough? These are all legitimate questions my mind has made up to self sabotage. 

Because of baggage, too many are conditioned to think they deserve less. I was once guilty until I became sure of my utopia. We're suppose ask for what we want and go get it. Thoroughbred racehorses wear blinders so they can focus on the path forward, not the side static. I've learned to approach my bliss in same way, forget the static and focus on goal towards happy.

In life, when it comes to getting what we want, we can either a) sedate ourselves with drugs to dumb the anxiety of self doubt while getting nothing we want or b) actively ignore self doubt fueled by past learning curves and continue towards winning bliss.

Gay by Association.

My mother always said growing up that how I see things isn't how the world is. Is it? Coming out in a straight world has its barriers and discomfort. Even in the time of Rupauls' Drag Race and openly gay athletes, I still wonder, where is this going?

I'm a believer if love. I grew up on Disney fairy tales, but instead of a sleeping beauty I replaced her with a napping hunk. I like many other men crave a desirable lover, job and life. Like many straight predecessors, I often find my drive to be the adulation of gorgeous men.

Years after losing my virginity on a altar by a man who claimed to like me, I'm still questioning if love exists in this community. Sure there's poster couples for progressive gays. The kids and cape cod homes come complete with a fancy audi and lavish vacations, but lets not forget the occasional black party.

Orgies, sex clubs, nude campgrounds, video booths were all theme parks for gay men. My initiation into gay life started with an adam4adam ad, yesterdays Grindr. To end up in a place intoxicated with lust, i learned to be in a constant quest for man sex. Men hopping from one appendage to another is like living the life of ceasar. The cost for this fun was obviously underestimated at the inception of Jack Wrangler.

The first images of gay love was that of lust and over heightened masculinity that no real man could ever live up to. I want love and passion but I want it to be wrapped up in a sexy redneck package. Love is suppose to be blind but as a gay man, love is superficial and only good until my ADD sets in.

There's always something better or there's someone out there for everyone is what is running through my ears from friends and the occasional stranger. Keep kissing toads until your prince appears, or in the gay world, keep spreading seed until no one wants it anymore.

I know I'm not the only person conditioned to use sex to find love. Women do it too, but heterosexuals have a lineage that includes the bible, media and Hollywood reinforcing traditions of love. As a gay boy watching Cinderella or The Little Mermaid, I longed for a reflection of my desires in film and media. Many of my decisions were on the fly because there was no gay handbook at the time.

Years later, single and being a part of the 'brotherhood' hoping not to die lonely and young, I see younger guys following in my dangerous footsteps. Lust and love should never be confused. Sexual conquests for invalid ego boosts can only lead to more devastation. For our brotherhood to evolve, I must moderate the porn and look past the penis at a person seeking to be loved. 

Delusional Illusionists

"In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal."(unknown author) Is it just me or has the world gone completely mad? I'm not just talking about the news or the plethora of gutter reality shows, but real everyday people. the reason i ask this is because, we are living in a time were we make friends via Facebook or Twitter, rather than a social club. The reason i point that out is because of movies like "Catfish"

I remember when the internet service prodigy first came out, and then AOL followed. One of the first marvels i experienced of the world wide web is chat rooms; chat rooms that were full of introverts afraid to leave their homes to make real friends. One might say that the internet has made the whole process of rejection a litle less painful, but the long term affects are now starting to become more widespread then expected.

To me, a delusional illusionists are those of use who write and preach the most profound beliefs that defy logic and makes me think... is this person on a different mental wavelength?. I have read thaings that defy logic on peoples personal profiles. I'm not talking about lies and fibs about ones personal appearance, but the down right ignorant statements people make to defend their insecurities. From the uprest of Egypt and middle-east to the 21st century civil rights movement in the U.S.A., one must question the motives of our leaders.

Apart from the outlandish statements made by political figures, When I read status updates and Facebook posts, I wonder, what the hell is this person thinking??! How in the world could they come this conclusion when there are facts, opinions, experiences and testimonials that justify that the complete opposite is more likely true. Whether it's about sexuality, gender roles or even something as simple as how to raise a child; people believe and say the most ridiculous things ever, without any real justification as to why they believe what they believe, other than saying, "that's what I learned".

Then a thought popped into my head... Because rejection is less painful online, maybe people can say and preach what ever it is that they feel, and people like me just shake our heads and move on to the next post. In a time where information is so readily available, is it still our personal duties to 'enlighten' the 'unenlightened' or that just too darn egotistical. Either way, the delusions of mass society is really starting to make the hairs on my neck stand erect.

"Dieting to Death"

A new year is approaching and it's time for many of us to dust our resolutions off. It seems that so many people suffer from some type of mental dysphoria when it comes to their image. In a culture that glorifies WASP's and calls anything else an acquired taste, there's no wonder people will do anything to fit in. From tape worms to diet pills and marathons to living in a gym, have we become too obsessed with outer appearances?

Luckily, you're not alone. When it comes to celebrities, they also find themselves in the shallow spotlight of unreasonable standards. The greatest thing about earth is the fact that, anyone and everyone could be considered an acquired taste. Whats hot to Americans is distasteful to some in the middle east and vice versa. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" is actually an absolute truth.

While this topic really is not new, it is still important we gain our own personal perceptions of beauty. Recently, Oprah Winfrey did a interview with Barbara Walters, Ms. Walters asked if she still dieted and Oprah's reply was "No". If you remember, like I do, Oprah Winfrey's weight has gone up and down for many years. While some would say it's because she ate too much, I would say it's probably because she was trying to write a check her body can't cash.

In my life, I have gone up and down in weight as well. My issues stemmed from me trying to live up to the men photo-shopped in 'Men's Health' or 'Detail's' magazines. What's more interesting is that the lack of black or ethnic men in media, really made me feel like I had a huge standard that was impossible for me to fulfill. I'm not white and I'm not lean and you know what? So What!

It is important for us to love ourselves as individuals. If your naturally a size 8+ or 34 waist+, so what! It is important for you not to obcess over your looks and just find a way to live and be healthy while merry. Some great tricks to being healthy is finding a hobby, trying different outdoor activities, using moderation and just saying "No" to fad diets and cooky exercise machines at Bed, Bath and Beyond and "Yes" to an occasional slice of rich moist chocolate cake.

I say we stop dieting to death, stand up and say "Hey, I'm hot too!", because you are.

"Spirit In The Dark"

There is a aura in the air that is making the hairs on my neck stand up. I have been one to protest not viewing the evening news or gossip columns, but the stench is permeating not only our media but my immediate personal environment. The stench I am speaking of is the cons of dark times.

I don't want to take you on a in-depth journey of despair or heartbreak but I want you to be aware of what seems to be going on. The problems of wall street and main street have began to shift the mindset of many desperate professionals. The mindset of despair and need; the mindset of "am I a have or a have not?" The answer to this question is driving good people to do unspeakable things in these turbulent times.

People are leaning on their governments more than ever to navigate through this economy. The world is truly changing and the shift that needs to happen, is happening before our eyes. With this shift of technology and social networking, people are able to sniff the fakes out right away and launder their dirty laundry. More than ever people are choosing to follow their gut instint instead of mass here say.

The spirit in the dark is our intuition or what some might call God. Recently, I was presented with an opportunity from someone I trusted. I immediately said no, but after a few days of the opportunity being mentioned, my brain or conscious was beginning to be won over. Before I knew it, I was risking a loved ones asset to make this opportunity happen, for me. The outcome has yet to prevail...

What is interesting about the whole experience, is my gut feeling. The buyers remorse is engulfing my energy as I feel like I might have made a mistake. It's hard to stay somewhat irrational when your heart is beginning to speak. Through these rough times of dirty politicians and crooked neighbors, we must convince ourselves to listen to our intuition more often. Think of intuition as a personal connection to God's hotline.

When the gut and heart says "No", the words should flow from your lips as an absolute statement; not to be overturned in the future. With the media, social and news frenzy throwing the words recession and depression all around, there will be more people trying to bank on the desperation of the masses. If there is anything I want you to take from this reading, it is that we should let our spirit guide you through these dark times and remember to share your wisdom with those you love.

With the help of our intuition/God, we can overcome anything.

"Alien Life forms on Earth"

The world in morphing into an almost unrecognizable place. Some people believe there are aliens out in the universe, but it seems the aliens are already our neighbors. It feels that America and some other places on the Earth are suffering from alien like beliefs and code of conducts.

Since when is it okay for a man to rob the poor to help his fellow rich brother-en? Since when is it okay for bureaucracy red tape to prevent life changing advances to help life progress? Since when is it okay for us to only think of ourselves and no one else, especially not the future of our children? Since when is it all right for people to cast the first stone? When did all of this start and how?

While some may argue that this is a personal perception of the world, It often baffles me how people can pollute the earth when there is no where else to go, impose impratical beliefs on others and conduct themselves as righteous whiny dictators. With the glitz and glamour of instant fame, 'free' power in politics, and talentless talent, it seems the world is falling into the quantity over quality syndrome or worst, the what do 'I' get in return mentality.

The lack of importance in education seems to feed the ignorance of today's material frenzy. The basic principles of life are not taught while people are suffering from cognitive learning at the hands of corporations and unethical politicians. In today's world people often pursue the newest cell phone, hottest mate and or the biggest bank account, while robbing the earth of it's natural resources. If there is anything to be said about giving back to the environment, it is the structure of recycling. We must recycling knowledge as well as our limited resources.

People in today's world seem to be hell bent on taking and using and not sharing and giving back. People want fame, money, power and everything else (including what's going extinct) without offering anything in exchange, just because they can. If there is anything we should remember from our Native American and pilgrim settlers, it is the principle of trade and knowledge (minus the diseased blankets). Knowledge to know what to do to advance humanity, and trading goods and services for the betterment of mankind.

If there is anything alien about the world we live in; it's the conduct of power and greed that is shared by the masses and brainwashed by our leaders.

"Experimental Me..."

Sometimes I find that, life can take me on many different paths, meeting many different people, at random times. The whole notion of gratitude, appreciation and "law of attraction" has always been interesting to me because, when you focus on how bad you want something, somehow it materializes, only but after we show appreciation for what we have. Whether it's through an acquaintance or a random stranger; our dreams can make themselves a reality in unexpected ways.

In America, one of the qualities of a maverick might be someone that makes things happen. A man or woman with 'the guts' is the person who will make an opportunity happen, one way or another, often overstepping the competition. With the whole law of attraction theory, it seems that people who force themselves on others or force situations to happen, really are not helping to get what they need and desire in life.

Many movies glamorize being gruel and delving out intolerable cruelty, but I find that, just like the words of Mother Teresa, is is so much better to somehow allow people to leave me happier than before we met. I'm not trying to say that I'm playing 'God' and using my powers to grant happiness, but what I am saying is that the power of attraction and 'like attracts like', to me, would equal being a good person.

What does this have to do with being experimental? Well, we all have desires and things we want to happen. What would happen if we all just put ourselves out there and let people know what we are authentically about? Without pretense, without representation. That would then open up a flood gate of me and you getting what we want. The whole phenomena of karma, really makes sense when you think about it.

Experimental Me ...I'm going to continue to try new things and figure out what I like. If the passion I think I have for something radiates from me, than people will file in place to help me make my dreams come true and yours too. I will not pull or push, I will just be. Maybe, just maybe, that is the ultimate secret to getting what we want; what we really want.

Quote for the introvert

Great Quote: Associate yourself with people of good quality, for it is better to be alone than in bad company. - Booker T. Washington

"Other People's Thoughts..."

In life it seems as if we are constantly fighting against other peoples thoughts. Am I thin enough, tall enough, black enough, white enough, gay enough, straight enough, christian enough or am I just enough. Insecurities seem to be a dis-ease much worst than any ailment filling the beds of hospitals across the world. This specific dis-ease robs the creative of their light, rots outs the body and soul and mentally imprisons.

This dis-ease is so rapid that it's even affected the education system in the USA. Hearing things like "That's so Gay" to describe something extra curricular like the arts or science. With so much emphasis of aggression, sexuality and masculinity, it seems many are doing nothing more than folding their arms around their waist, while running in circles.

When someone comes out as different or one-of-a-kind, it is often greeted with the hairy eyeball. People who question the norm are considered crazy and eccentric; better yet people were often institutionalized for speaking different than a social norm. How did it become the norm to follow other people's thoughts. In a country that supposedly cherishes innovation, it seems people are nothing more than lab rats waiting for the next toy from Apple.

There is nothing wrong with enjoying materials of convenience, gadget toys or anything one can think of. What's interesting is when people look for and follow what others are doing. What is the latest trend? what are the other guys doing/wearing?... What is with the fear of being individual? Why do so many cover up with a mental Burka only to run home at night to a loveless and/or empty nest? The reason is: "other people's thoughts".

While many people may feel that others won't like them because of who they are; those others are busy thinking the same way. It goes back to the childhood parental quote: "If they all jump off the bridge, does that mean you will too?" Hearing that as a child use to make me nuts because all I wanted was to be liked by others. What I failed to realize as a child and teen was that everyone else felt the same way.

When we spend too much time worried about what others may be thinking, that pressure does not create a diamond, in most cases. Many people end up being hot air wasted into the atmosphere. To be a diamond, people must follow their convictions and happiness, while allowing the pressure of personal bliss navigate to their individual truth. The more people to listen and share* what they already have and know, the closer the human race will be to total enlightenment. We are all here to be who we are and no one else.

*Share: [verb] to use, participate in, enjoy, receive, etc., jointly

"Let's Love A Lot"

Whether its Allah, Jesus or Buddha, the key to peace is love. It's very cheesy and it's very hippie-ish, but none-the-less, I believe it's the truth; or at least a truth worth accepting. With all of the segregation, political backlash and sexual deviancy going on next door, we should never forget to still "Love A Lot".

This thought was inspired by a song on the new M.I.A album "/\/\/\Y/\" entitled "lovealot". Contrary to the lyrics beaming into my headset and while I love this song; I'd rather not fight those who fight me. When people add more aggression to an issue, the issue only becomes bigger. Interesting enough, it almost seems as if aggression is the child of righteousness; after Ego and Righteousness met at the bar.

I believe that there is nothing wrong with individual faith. While some extremists are saying that religion is the cause of all wars, I view it different. Righteousness can close more minds off than any concept on earth. People have the right to believe what they want, but respect those who differ. Faith in your God is great, but why tell the man who is praying to Allah to forget the Muslim faith and come to your church? That adds salt to an already deep worldly wound.

Often times on the evening news and even in some new optimum cable commercials, it seems that people of opposing point of views are always fighting. If person A likes a certain football team, person B must quickly run out and vandalize their property. Why? What ever happened to agreeing to disagree? I believe that the greatest thing on earth is the opinions and feelings of others and if you don't agree with that, I accept that.

What's truly important in this world is an open mind. An open mind to hear what someones heart is saying, an open mind to listen to ones heart and soul. As people of the righteous right, we forget to even listen to our own desires and before we know it, were fighting against others. If there is anything that is worth living for, it's living to "Love-A-Lot". In a world with so much bitterness, envy, greed, crime and hate, that is the absolute only anecdote we have left.

No matter who you are or where you are, "Love-A-Lot".

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